Alpha 6×16: Don’t mind him, he’ll go on forever.


Bad dog.

“Alpha” holds a special place in my heart.

I realize that probably sounds strange to you, so allow me to explain.

About a year and a half ago, after I had recently completed the rewatch that spawned this one, I was nostalgically flipping through my book of X-Files DVDs, bemoaning the fact that I had watched every episode I wanted to watch and there was nothing left. Lo and behold, my eyes dropped down and I saw something I had never noticed before.

“Alpha”… What’s an “Alpha”?

I searched my extensively detailed mental database of X-Files and I could not for the life of me remember the plot of this episode.

Did I miss this? Is that possible?? What in the heck is “Alpha”???

So of course, I popped the DVD back in the player thinking I must be having a mental block, possibly due to low levels of caffeine in the blood.

Sweet Mulder on a cracker… have I ever even seen this episode?

You see, that’s when I realized I have this habit of pulling the DVD from the player directly after “Arcadia” (6×13). Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.  Do not watch “Alpha”.

There are certainly episodes that I’ve been known to skip out of dislike, others I pass over due to impatience. But “Alpha” remains the only X-File whose actual existence I’ve wholly forgotten. It’s a dubious distinction indeed. In fact, I’m not even positive I saw this episode on its first run because my memories of it are so vague they may be retroactive counterfeits. Perhaps the VCR malfunctioned one Sunday night. I’ll have to dig out my old VHS tapes one day to be sure.

The benefit to this oversight, and there was a benefit, is that it essentially became a Lost X-File for me. Imagine waking up one day and finding out there’s another Mulder and Scully adventure out there for you to enjoy, one that you never knew about. Score!

Right?

Wrong.

I wanted to love “Alpha”. I wanted to have a new X-File to treasure. But yegads, I couldn’t. I suspected that if I couldn’t remember it there was probably a good reason and my instincts were correct.

Even on this rewatch, when I honestly tried more than ever to like it, it only got worse. Coming after the pitch perfection of “Monday” (6×16) and the fun of “Arcadia”, its failures are especially hard to accept. I found myself shaking my head involuntarily with irritated boredom before the episode was through. Frankly, it had me thinking nostalgic thoughts about “3” (2×7)…

This is our second episode in a row with an underwhelming monster. But whereas “Arcadia” had copious amounts of humor to fall back on, “Alpha” has no such crutch.

As I was watching this episode (for what may be only the second time ever), I started to smell the distinctively noxious odor that comes out of the kitchen when too many cooks are cooking in it. I wasn’t there and I can’t prove it, but I highly doubt that 70% of the script belonged to writer Jeffrey Bell, though the credits may tell me otherwise. The script feels disjointed, as if several different people worked on it, all with different points of focus. At least, that’s the excuse I’m giving because not much else can explain this fiasco.

But I’m complaining without giving any details. So… “Alpha”. This is an episode about territoriality, both human and non-human. There’s a noticeable amount of pissing and marking going on, but the hind legs being lifted up aren’t owned by any alpha male, but by a couple of frustrated women, one aggressive and the other passive-aggressive. One is Scully, the other is the newly introduced Karin Berquist, one of Mulder’s shadowy internet friends.

Karin is a socially maladapted loner who would rather be, and has been, living in the wild with wolves than walking on two legs amongst her fellow humans. Probably because he’s socially maladapted as well, and certainly as bright, she’s made a connection to Mulder and it’s because of information she feeds him that Mulder and Scully are on this case in the first place.

Karin, Karin, Karin. I’m all for geeks and losers, but Karin is a little too awkward to be sympathetic. Sadly, she’s just annoying. Which is a shame because I feel I should be rooting for this woman a little. After all, she’s dying, she has no life, and a man like Fox Mulder is giving her some attention. Can I blame her for trying to drag this situation out? However, her manner is off-putting. I realize it’s supposed to be, that she’s written that way, but I don’t believe it serves the story as well as if she had been either a clear object of empathy or a full on nemesis for Scully.

Too bad Mulder has man ears and not dog ears, or else he would have been able to hear the high pitched sounds coming from the mental catfight between Scully and Karin. Men are so oblivious to the ever-present subtext between females. Now, I know that it would be easy to interpret Scully’s actions here as the product of jealousy, but I don’t believe jealousy is what motivates her in any real sense. Mulder isn’t sexually, or even emotionally, interested in Karin and Scully knows that. Scully is being territorial, protective even, over poor, ignorant Mulder who is about to be caught in a web of womanly wiles. Scully essentially gives her the talk that big brothers give to their little sisters’ dates: I’m watching you. See, she perceives in a way that only a fellow woman can what Karin’s true motivations are and she resents them, not because they exist but because of Karin’s covert methods. Oh, and because Scully has been dragged all the way across country to California, probably on a red-eye flight since they arrived on the scene so soon, all so Karin can get the chance to moon over Mulder in person. I’d be a little resentful too.

The scene where Scully confronts her with this knowledge, where she gives her the old “I’m watching you” schtick, falls flat, however. Not because Scully isn’t a force to be messed with, but because Karin isn’t really worth having a woman-to-woman talk with. She’s no Diana Fowley. Scully’s righteous indignation is wasted on a woman who barely registers as human.

Alright. Enough griping about Karin because I’ve decided she’s not anywhere near my least favorite aspect of this episode. The next contender? Well, that would be the werewolf wannabe itself, the Wanshang Dhole. I’ve said before that The X-Files never handled exotic or foreign myths very well. It’s hard to introduce the audience to an unfamiliar legend and convince them to be afraid of it in the same 45 minute window. It can be done, of course, but it isn’t here. The playful pit bull my aunt used to own was scarier than this Wanshang Dhole, in human or in “canid” form. You can give a dog glowing eyes but you can’t make me fear it.

I was reading that one of the original ideas for this dog tale was to make the X-File about a kid who worked at a dog pound whose anger was expressed through the dogs there. Now, a pack of vicious dogs chasing Mulder and Scully down darkened streets? That could’ve worked. It could’ve been like “D.P.O.” (3×3), only with the SPCA involved.

But even the underwhelming monster in this Monster of the Week isn’t what dooms “Alpha” for me. It’s the painfully lackluster “climax” of the episode. Scully’s napping and Mulder’s reading a magazine while a mortally ill woman who tricked them into inaction with a see-thru lie uses an even more see-thru trap to easily defeat what’s supposed to be the smartest dog ever known to man.

I can’t even with this stuff.

I’ve read another draft of the script. I know there were better ideas out there both for the climax and for the episode in general. Maybe budget and time constraints forced them to resort to this nonsense, I don’t know. But it’s a doggone shame.

Verdict:

The best few minutes in “Alpha” come right after the opening credits when Mulder regales both Scully and us with a handful of bad dog jokes. Yes, even they fall flat, but this is the first time we’ve seen Mulder and Scully back in the basement office since they were reassigned to the X-Files. It looks a little bare, but Mulder’s hard at work making it feel homey again. It’s just missing one thing…

Mulder’s I Want to Believe poster.

Now, it’s about time we got it back. It’s just too bad that we get it back at the hands of a less than memorable character. If Karin Berquist is going to go down in history as the person who gave Mulder his poster back I want to have some kind of emotional connection to her. Instead, I spent the last few seconds of the episode resenting her spiritual intrusion into the basement office.

“Alpha” is still better than “Space” (1×8). I’ll give it that… and only that.

D

Claw Marks:

If the cage in the teaser hadn’t been opened and they didn’t know the animal was missing and that it had killed two of his crew, why does the captain or whoever he is say, “I don’t know how this happened. It makes no sense. We found the cage still locked. Two of our men are missing?” It makes no sense to me either.

Lupus is a disease I’ve been around a lot in my life. How Scully, a pathologist, not a rheumatologist, diagnosis this disease with so little information and such ease is beyond me.

This dog is supposed to be so smart, yet he falls into Karin’s trap so easily. And how could she have been sure they’d fall back hard enough to land on the fence post? That fence is some distance from the house.

“I think that I believed her very quickly.” Yes, Mulder, you have a tendency to do that.

Best Quotes:

Scully: Aren’t you going home?
Mulder: I am home. I’m just feathering the nest.

——————-

Scully: What happened to the dog?
Mulder: Dog gone… Dog gone… Doggone.
Scully: Yeah, I got it.

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25 responses to “Alpha 6×16: Don’t mind him, he’ll go on forever.

  1. Sadly, none of my internet friends look like David Duchovny.

    In “Space”‘s defense that was the first season (and that is it’s only defense). There is no excuse for this piece of dog poo in season 6.

    I have a soft spot in my heart for “Space” due to sheer “so bad it’s good” awfulness. Me and the bf still make “Space Face!!!” references since our re-watch a year ago.

    Does anyone else have “so bad it’s good” episodes?

    • If any of my internet friends look like David Duchovny, they haven’t shared the pics.

      Yeah, Space is one of those episodes every show used to have in the first season back when the networks allowed new shows to have full first seasons in which to have time to find their footing. Alpha is like a splash of cold water after what’s been so far an almost alarmingly consistent season. I’m not placing blame anywhere, I think there’s enough to go around. It’s probably a combination of too many rewrites, to many writers, and too little time for either writing or production. Really, I can’t believe this show kept churning out masterpieces as often as it did considering how ridiculous their production schedule was.

      I think my “so bad it’s good” episode is probably Ghost in the Machine… though maybe I’d say it’s not so much that it’s so horrible that it’s funny as much as it’s better than I used to think.

  2. Whoa, I’m guessing you didn’t like Alpha Salome? 😀

    I’m not the biggest fan either, I think my biggest issue with this episode is that in a season that is bursting to the seems with creativity this is very basic and ordinary.

  3. I think you’ve described it nicely, this episode is just so… irritating, everything about it – from the silly villain to Karin. I couldn’t quite grapple about what exactly did she want, or why did Mulder seem so deeply depressed at the end of the episode… but OK, I haven’t dealt with anyone I’ve even somewhat remotely known dying recently. /knocks on wood
    Also, excuse me while I try to refrain from throwing around House MD “it’s not lupus” jokes.
    Scully looking ridiculously hot in the basement office scene, which is always a welcome thing, was probably the highlight of this episode.

    But other than that, I also prefer to skip this episode. I used to think that The Field Where I Died is the worst of the later-season (past season 2, from which the show really sprouts its wings) episodes, but it might have just met its match.

    • At least The Field Where I Died had production value going for it.

      Yeah, I said it. If you watch The Field Where I Died on mute, it ain’t so bad. The same can’t be said for Alpha.

  4. Hi Salome, I have been reading your review thread for a while now, however, this is my first comment. I just had to, lmao, when you said ‘Sweet Mulder on a cracker’ and loved the reference to monoploy haha. I’m such an x-phile and shipper in every sense of the world, so love following this thread and getting your thoughts aswell as others on the episodes! Well back to reading the review, will comment if I have anything else to add! keep up the great reviews! 🙂

  5. I did not mind Alpha so much, but it obviously isn’t up to par with most of S6. I did like Mulder’s dopey dog jokes and mama-bear Scully.

  6. The first scene after the opening credits, in the office…. HELLO flirty Scully! She goes from looking at his eyes to his mouth and back, with this odd smirk. I can’t with these two.

    And also Scully, in regards to Karen… “So you two are chummy?” Karen killed me. Mulder always knows the sketchiest/weirdest people. LOL. Hello, jealous Scully. I love when you make your appearance.

    Okay, I admit, I had no recollection of this episode – I don’t think I’ve seen it either when it originally aired (ah, pre-DVR days were so brutal), or when I rewatched before (which I got sketchy on seasons 6/7 and didn’t watch 8 or 9 much at all). Anyway, about 15 minutes into this episode I figured out the doctor was the dog. Stupid episode in comparison to the brilliance of season 6. However, not as stupid as some of the god-awful ones of season 1 (Space comes to mind…).

    • Mulder does seem to attract the socially outcast, doesn’t he? He collects them in his fish tank. But at least the Lone Gunmen are fun, the girl from Oubliette was genuinely troubled and Marty from Mind’s Eye had guts. Karin, oh Karin, I don’t know what to do with you. I can’t like you, hate you, or laugh at you.

      So, after much self-discussion, I’ve come to the conclusion that I saw it those many years ago. It *is* on my tape list (I have a set of lists whereby I kept track of which episodes I had recorded on which tape) and I distinctly remembered how bummed I was Season 9 when I accidentally fell asleep and missed an episode for the first time. And I was even more bummed when I thought that I probably hadn’t missed anything interesting…

  7. Yea, I don’t envy you having to rewatch and critique Season 9. Luckily that is still a ways in the future.

  8. Must of been when they were establishing their relationship. Feels good knowing others skip bad episodes too.

  9. There were some good episodes in season 9. Only wish Mulder was in them instead of Dogget..

  10. The only reasons I ever rewatch this episode:
    1. Mulder’s dumb jokes at the beginning and “I’m feathering the nest.”
    2. Garak from Deep Space 9 plays Detweiler, and I think he’s awesome.

  11. I got irritated by the Karin-Mulder dynamics too, but not because of Karin’s choices, interestingly. Once again, and glaringly this time, I got profoundly irritated by Mulder’s extreme *lack* of boundaries with other women. For someone who didn’t have designs on Karin, did he really have to introduce himself as “Fox” (considering that all the way back in Season 1, he claimed to Scully that “he even made his parents call him Mulder” when she attempted to call him Fox), and especially did he have to move Karin’s hand with his own over the mouse? Uh-huh. I think he knew exactly what he was doing. Otherwise, he wouldn’t half-smile when Scully called him on it. Once again, he annoys me in this episode. There have been so many “almost kiss” or “almost confessions” with Scully that he must know how insensitive it is to keep flaunting other women. How insensitive? Very. Anyway… onward to the next episode! 🙂

  12. The link in your Season 6 to this episode is malformed. It points to January 16 rather than Jan 20.

  13. Pingback: The Goldberg Variation 7×2: Maybe your luck is changing. | Musings of an X-Phile

  14. Easily the worst of s6.

    Wait a minute! Ghost in the Machine was far more insulting to art, intellect and entertainment than Space. Right?

    Back to Alpha (*poke* Wake up! Oh yeah… Alpha). I never really bought this random-like relationship between Mulder and wolf lady. What were they discussing on the web, dog breeds?

  15. Pingback: Salvage 8×10: More powerful than a speeding locomotive. | Musings of an X-Phile

  16. “I spent the last few seconds of the episode resenting her spiritual intrusion into the basement office.”

    MTE.

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